A Treat from Miss Yvonne














Last Wednesday (20.02.08), Miss Yvonne treat us (Nat, Din and I) to Billy Bombers. Ha. Why? Of cos, there was a "price to pay". lol. Last year, we kept having a physics formulae test and Miss Yvonne said those who are in Top 3 will get a treat from her and which is BILLY BOMBERS. I never try Billy Bombers and I really studied very hard for that formulae test and I got 1ST IN CLASS!!! Hahaha. So happy! Of cos not because of Billy Bombers treat but is about I got 1st in class. You know? Is just those joy in your heart that make you feel that you're actually very smart. Lol.

I got 155/156. Wow! (O-O) And finally this year, Miss Yvonne is available and she brought us to Cineplex's Billy Bombers. I tell you something... The food there is DELICIOUS!!. Hahaha. Nice Nice. I ate honey something chicken thingy. Is good. Miss Yvonne ate Steak, Din ate burger and Nat ate ribs and something something. Lol. And many many more finger food. Miss Yvonne is really very generous when come to giving. Wow!! Amazing, k? We had a very very heavy dinner (you know is that kind that really wanna vomit le)till it really last the next day. *HAPPY*HAPPY* =)

THANK YOU, MISS YVONNE FOR EVERYTHING. LOVE YA! (even though I dont really know what is love all about.)

Just another day of my life
Kill me dead. Im tired of who I am. There's just too much pride in me and Im blinded by it. Why? I ignoring God, I dont hate God, Im not angry with Him. Im just angry with myself. I been thinking non-stop about- I dont understand what is love and maybe even hate. How do you balance loving others and yourself? I really dont know.

What is LOVE? What is LOYAL? What is GRATEFUL? What is FAITHFUL? What is THANKFUL? I dont think Im in any of the category. Only until today, I know what are they (except for LOVE. I never understand that).

LOYAL, GRATEFUL, FAITHFUL & THANKFUL
Im just another ****ing bullshit!! I used to think that Im under one of these category. I seriously realised that Im not!! Im damn ungrateful and thankful. I never thank for the things that I had in my life. God touched me so deep but yet I can break His heart again and again. Im not obedient to God. If Im thankful and grateful, I wouldnt be like this. Im just too proud. I lost my heart for Him. No longer love Him. No longer see Him as my Heavenly Father. Im just too selfish. I dont bother to change. I dont want to move on in my life. At times, I just want to get my heart harded so that I wouldnt tears. Tearing make me feel weary. Physical & emotional pains will get into my mind and heart which I really dont want to be in. Im tired, Im tired and Im really tired.

I really wanted to change last december, so that I will and can start my year 2008, meaningfully. I dont know why. I get bitter easily. My mentor(school teacher) which is Miss Yvonne, she told me that I must kinda stop having high expectation in myself, my family and my friends. It will only get myself bitter if I go on like this. I asked her, "Why am I like that?" She said, "Is because of pride. You always thinking about it's me and myself. Stop treating others like how you see yourself. They are not you and you are not them. God made each and individual of us differently. We have different strength and weakness. etc etc.."

Why do I get bitter? What is high expectation? High expectation is in me?! What's that? Do I really have that? How do I lower it? I really cant. I tried but I guess I wasnt trying it hard enough. What's wrong with me? I get so puzzled with all these things in my life and it causes me to feel vexed in me. I gave up on myself of not thinking these craps, so that I could stop getting bitter and at the same time, I even think that maybe I can get rid of my pride at the same time(but I didnt even know, it ate me up doubly this time round). Slowly I stopped all the high expectation in others and myself. Is that maybe why I stopped wanting anything and everything in my life? Im not sure. I dont know. I guess Im very self-centered even when Im typing these.

Am I blaming and pushing all blame now? Am I saying that this is not my fault? Am I these and that? I really dont know, I really dont recognised anything. How to tell? How to see? Someone out there, please help me to answer my questions.