3 June 09

I had a bad quarrel with my mum about money. Money money and money. I dont know what's wrong with her, always self-pitying about no money. So I scolded her loh. Oops. Ya. Then quarreled like a dog la. Nabei! Dont talk abt it.

That late night, I was still on skype, chatting with Alistair online about our business. I was very happy but I was still badly affected by the quarrel with my mum. So well.. I remembered I had a pack of cigarettes in bag. So I took out and went out of my house corridor to "de-stress". About for an hour, on my 4 sticks and my dad suddenly came out of the house and I was like..... "Yes, daddy? (Puffing away)" Oops. I have to pretend mah. Nabei (to myself). He told me to put out my cigs. So I did and I went back to my room and hang up the conversation with Alis.

So I went onto bed.............................. Woke up in the morning.

I received a message from my dad.

"This is morning, my heart is very painful. At about 2am, I went for a run to ease my pain. The moment when I saw you smoking, I am asking myself, should I call mummy or give you a tight slap on your face. I quit smoking is not that I dont have enough money to do so. I have 2 visions; 1) I dont want my children or my future generation to follow my stupid way. 2) I want my family to be happy especially mummy and you who advised me to quit. This morning, I did not kiss you cos I still feel the pain in me. I hope, darling, you can stop this bad habit which was with me for 36 years."

This is what I replied:

"Dad, not that I want to be rude or what, just have to listen what I have to say. So can I say this? Now you know how I feel all these time when I grow up seeing you smoke? Doesnt it hurt me? Dad, I have grown up. Yes, I may not be fully supporting myself but eventually I will and need to one day. Anyway mum know that I smoke but at least Im not having this bad habit as a everyday lifestyle. That was a leftover pack with friends that I went party with. I dont buy a pack for myself and I can seriously say that Im a social smoker. Whether am I social smoker a not, just put it aside. One thing I dont understand is that- Why parents can hurt their child so much but yet their child cant hurt them a little. I think parents should taste a bit of the pains of what your child must have really felt all these times of their lives. I know you're good to me but you and I are humans and we're bound to hurt one another. But what can I say? Everyone out there could only think for themselves. Just like how you used to. Just to let you know, you have emotions and so do I. So think about it again. Maybe what you saw last night was a "revenge". And dont you find it strange? Why your child dont like to have hugs and kisses by their parents? Tell you the truth- Not that I dont like. I find it very fake and pointless to do it. I have no idea why I think that way. One thing I do know is that, I stopped doing all these is cos I cant help myself stop thinking about how much both of my parents have hurt me all my life and I dont want to get physically touch with them. I find it disgusting to do so. I used to think hugs and kisses are sweet but not anymore."

Well. Yes, Jo smoke a lot when she party or meeting up with some of her close friends who smokes too. Sigh. I dont know what went wrong with me. I just need a "NICOTINE BREAK" to break out of everything! Im questioning myself about how much do I really love my family right now. Im losing control of everything to deal with my family. For now, I want to lose them for sure -Not completely but more than what I need them to give me a break. DAMN YOU GUYS! Dont screw up my life if you dont want to support me and all these because I have seen how much you guys screwed up your life. I wont want my path to be like how you have walked. I dont wish to see the history to repeat itself cos you have walked half of your life like what your parents did. No more history repeaters in this family.