6 more days to my birthday...

Well.. I have no idea why I dont like my birthday. I do know why but every year, it is just heart breaking for me to live by that "special day" of mine. I wished I can love my birth day like how almost everyone does. I probably have posted this similar kinda post whenever my birthday is coming. Im on my chair right now; feeling so upset. Yeah, it just another random mood swing that Im having right now.

In 2006, I posted this, "Somehow Im not very happy today. I almost cried when I cut the cake but I told myself to be strong. Not coz I feel touched loh. But just somehow I feel something is missing inside my heart. And finally after 9 yrs, my family celebrated it for me again. But....."

I just cant forget the moment of my pain, my hurt, my bad memories on my 5th birthday. I can never forget. Why?! How to? I have no idea. Im trying to let go and I still cant do it. I dont understand why I have to go through this craps. Imagine you got a slap on your 5th birthday just cos you wanted to blow the candles by all yourself. What's wrong, right? Yes. I got a slap by my mum when I whined. My brother blew all my candles when it was my birthday, so I kept whining to my dad abt my bro blew all the candles and kept asking can we do it all over again but somehow he didnt response to me. Then the next moment I knew... Is I got one tight slap on my face by mum. I just cried. All I know is I cried and cried like a water tap. My dad and Godma tried coaxing me but they failed.

Yeah. The next following year, my parents stopped celebrating my birthday. As well as my bro's. So to make it fair. Well. It was my mum's idea. My parents just came up with nonsensical explanation and excuses throughout all these years.

For example:
1) It's not good to celebrate every year cos you will look very old even before you hit 30.
2) Birthday is nothing. Is just birth day. Nothing's special.
3) What birthday? Waste money.
4) Why do you like birthday so much? You can do that when you're 21.
5) Since you love celebrating birthday. Next time, when you get married, get your husband to do it for you lah. (APA?!)
6) Both of us (which is my parents) also never celebrate our birthday, why do you want to celebrate yours?

Sigh. What is wrong with celebrating birthday? Yeah. Year after another I get more and more disappointed in life abt my bday. I even start to choose to forget my birthday at the age of 9. But surprisingly that year, my dad remembered my birthday and wished me happy birthday. Yes. As I grew older, my parents do bao angbao for me. It's 20 bucks every year. But all I want is a celebration.

What I dont understand is why they never fail to remember my bro's bday and they always forget mine and the best part is they want me to remind them abt my bday. Best lah, best lah. In 2005, my parents celebrated my bro's bday and invited a few of my cousins and aunties to come over to my place. When my birthday was appoaching, I asked for bday celebration and they said...

Parents: For what?!
Me: Cos you both did it for bro's and why cant I?
Parents: Since when we did for bro's? Since when our relatives came over to celebrate on bro's bday.
Me: WHAT THE HELL?! You both just did it one month back and have forgotten abt it?! Ask bro lah.
Bro: Just kept quiet and didnt say anything.
Parents: Rubbish. You must be dreaming all these while.

That's the "best thing", I ever received on my bday. That is why in 2006, they tried amending me back by celebrating my bday and which I totally felt nothing abt it. I waited for 9 years. 9 years. 9 years!! Imagine the pain that I had held on for 9 years. Sigh. Oh well... =(

At least, I remembered theirs every year and wished them happy bday and also get some small gifts. And my bro dont even do that. Oh wellsss... Im just upset that my birthday can be easily forgotten by them. But somehow, I thank that there is still a bit of satisfaction about... My three sweet birthday celebration that I ever had.

1) 6th bday by my Godma.
2) 16th bday by the old C1(PHS) Connect Group.
3) 17th bday by Jiejie, her few classmates and Miss Selena, Pamela and Qing De.

I been pondering too much on my pains, hurts and bad memories of my bday. At times I just feel so relucted to celebrate my birthday cos I dont know who will be celebrating my bday next. Im always feeling that my friends seem to be quite relucted to celebrate my bday. Probably Im just feeling insecure for this. Yes.

This year, I have 3 appointment already. =)
1) Primary School mates on this coming sunday. (At Marché)
2) Jiejie on my birthday.
Jiejie and I are celebrating our bday tgt. Her bday is on 23rd but well... She got dance lesson and her only free day is tues. We planned to go eat zi cha.
3) My company, CHEC- All my colleagues. (Eat western food and present too.)

I realised this year- It's a food theme!! Lol. Just let all these celebration to be so great that I will forget my bad memories.

Yes. To me, bday is very important. Last year was the year that I dont not want to celebrate my bday badly. I was so affected in the beginning of 2008 by my bad memories of all these years of bday celebration and I also began to feel so relucted to celebrate my friends' bday. Im sorry to whoever I've wrote bday msg to you or celebrate bday for you. Yes, I didnt do it with my heart. Pls do understand my position. I know I didnt do a good job cos I was emotionally and mentally down esp to Pamela's bday. I know you had high expectation for me to do a big one for you but I ended up did a crap for you. Im so sorry that I allowed my emotions to over take everything.

Yes. I think my gastric problem is acting up again because I can start to feel the irritation and pain in my stomach which I used to feel last year when started to puke whatever I take in . Oh wellss..... Im going to bed now. Need rest... A good rest. Nights.