What A Day. ='(

Well. Today was the day for me. I had my good rest, woke up in the morning, using my macbook pro. I had a perfect peaceful quiet morning with myself. My family members weren't at home. At times, I feel good without them. 

So I went out to meet my financial consultant at 12:55pm and also had another appointment with my friend, Joe (not his real name) at Raffles City Shopping Centre, 1:45pm. So I finally met up with Joe after some time. Today, he seem to be very sweet. He made sandwich for me at his work place, O'Briens. So we went on shopping, he managed to get a pair of his shoes. FINALLY AFTER WAITING FOR SO LONG!! He was so happy! And oh well.. I cant make up my mind to get myself anything with my $70 voucher. Lol. 

So I told Joe, why not, we go ahead with this $70 voucher to have food for ourselves. We planned to go donut factory and ben & jerry. So we got down to the basement at Ben & Jerry, we was about to queue up for the queue. He received a call from his brother. He hang up and turned around and looked at me and said, "Jo, let's go. My dad just passed away." "Huh?", was what I replied. After that, I asked him whether is he okay a not. He didn't tear and kept ensuring me that he is okay when his voice sounded so robotic? I was so worried for him. I think it is just way too shocking for him till he don't know how to react. So he took a cab home and I sent him off at the cab stand.

On my way home, I had a lot of questions in my mind. I was wondering why life and death have to be like this? I was asking myself why I didn't choose to tell him to go home since he did told me that he have to leave early cos his dad is not feeling very well today. Well. I don't know whether am I blaming myself. I just felt that I "should have" given up my planned schedule with him to allow him to spend time with his dad. Even though it was just 1 hour. =( Sigh.

I have plenty of things to say. I bet this post may be the longest of all.

Why are there so many diseases, illness, sickness, etc..? I know God didn't create all these. But then why is satan "allowed to create" all these? Why are there curses? Why our sins seem to be so big? So big till there are nothing curable for these problems? And the only way is to be washed by the blood of Lamb (Jesus)? Im seriously tired witnessing all these shit even though I never talk about these much. My friend come from a Christian family. Both of his parents are hardcore holy Christians. Especially his dad. But why are there still curses going in Christians' family? I don't understand. I know is part of life & death. God has His plans for everyone. But why? I just don't get it. Is having illness part of God's plans? His dad had some cancer thingy and was healed by God but now he died cos he couldn't breathe properly.

Yes, I'm a Christian. Well. Probably I should say I have backslided. This year, Im a 6 years old Christian. I failed on my forth year of my walk with God. I failed the test that I was given to. I couldn't accept the fact that I failed and from there I never had the courage to pick myself up to stand on my feet again and that why I never carry on moving in my faith. I couldn't believe why God didn't allow me to realise it earlier. Well. After coming to a conclusion, I come to a point that He did hinted it to me but I wasn't able to recognise that whole incident that time. Yes, I blamed Him for everything, I guess I was too childish and angry at that point of time. And my heart started to grow colder and colder for Him.

Well. I still do speaking in tongues and talk to God most of my times but no longer praying to Him for health, wealth, faith, wish-lists, family, etc.. Maybe some people may think what is the different between talking and praying? Well. My answer is- Talk is like when you're talking to a friend and I'm sure you don't pray to your friends, right? Yeah. Do I still miss Him? Well. I do. Especially when those days, when He performed miracles after miracles for me. Financial come in place perfectly, I used to have one leg shorter than the other and now it's balanced, family relationship got better, etc.. Too many stories to share on this post. "Luckily" I choose to leave my walk "gracefully" without turning back to say things like, "Hey. Why God didn't answer my prayers? Why God didn't perform a miracles for me? Etc etc." Well. A lot of backsliders did that. Well. I did not want to choose to walk this path of no returns. Cos to me, I believe that I may be coming "home" one day. 

I guess I'm just feeling very bitter. Not cos of God but people. I just no longer wants to deal with it. I want to but I'm just taking my own sweet time. Probably I don't want to be healed up so fast. Maybe because I've been growing up too fast? I have no idea of how long am I staying on this evil planet. Maybe today, tomorrow, few weeks, few months, few years. Uhhh. I really have no idea. Life is short.

What is doing meaningful things? What is the purpose of doing the purpose of life that is given to you? What is life? What is death? What is evil? What is good? Who is God? Who is Jesus? Who is Buddha? Who is Satan? Who is Prophet Mohammad? Who is Ganesh? Who created these gods? Who created the livings and dead? Who have the rights to judge? I really have no interests in all these right now. My life is mine; I own my world, my life, my death, my rights, my judgement and my everything. 

I dont know how's Joe doing right now. He's not replying my sms and answering my call. I guess he need some time to be alone for awhile. Well. I won't know how to react if is my dad. 

I remembered I have an aunt that I used to dislike so much. But I ended up forgive her for what she did to me. The feeling is... I think there are no words for me to describe this feeling. Can you imagine your aunt always nag at you, saying you are useless, lousy, not filial etc etc? I mean definitely will feel like... "%^&*$%^&*(*^, I didnt even do anything to you lah. Why are you so.... ARGH!!" So before she passed away, she was staying at my place, so that my mum could take care of her. She's the youngest sister of my mum's. I sacrifice my bed and I slept on some thin cloth tent style bed for many many months. 

Well. Sidetrack a bit. When she passed away, I didn't know she left her assets to my brother and I till my dad told me. I got the slightly more of the portion. I think it was a total of $35K plus going $36K. She half her asset under my brother and my name. My brother received $17K plus and I got $18K plus. We only can get it at the age of 18. But my mum told me that aunt left some instructions down to her about on how to spend her assets that she passed down. She want each of our $5K to be in a fixed account to collect interests. $1K to be in our bank for saving or spending. I think $5K to give charity and left $7K to be split among the 7 sisters. =)

Well. That was a sidetrack of the assets. But when she passed away, even though how much I dislike her, I still felt for her. This coming aug, it is her 6th anniversary of death. It took me at least 2 years to accept the fact that she left us. The 2 years of my life, I just kept feeling that she was on a trip of long holidays as she loves to travel around the world. So I kept "lying" to myself that she is on holidays, don't worry too much. She gonna be fine. Well. That's me. I have no idea of how Joe is feeling right now. I guess it will be a big blow to me if my parents just leave me like that. Especially if they don't get to see me becoming successful in life. 

I think the saddest thing is... 11 more days to Joe's birthday and few hours back, his dad just passed away. Damn chui! My heart just sank when I see him sounded so calm and robotic.