Friday, November 28, 2008

Im damn irritated by my mum.

Please leave me alone. Please. As long as you can. I need a break from you. Im tired repeating myself to you over and over again. I know Im living today because you give me money. I know, I know and I know. I dont want and dont wish to communicate with you for now, I know you love me and I know you're lonely especially after bro started working. But I need some quietness from you too. Dont pester me. Dont irritate me. Im sorry that we just had a big quarrel again. You may be crying in your room right now. But... Im not going to bother you.

I am impatient. I know Im unfilial to you but this is the time round I seriously want to be alone for now. I may be going out with friends and spending my time with them more than anyone else. Yea. It's my fault for not balancing it for you. But just let me do what I want for now. I just dont want to face you and anything to do with family. I know family is doing well. Everything is fine. The only problem we all have is... We're lack of communication. Everyone is not communicating at home. Everyone is doing what they want all these times. Cant you tell? Or izit cos you cant tell that everyone is avoiding you? I guess is probably your time to do what you want too. Just like you used to dump me at home and go oversea with your friends. Just like how much you made me worried for 2 weeks. You didnt tell me where you go. I asked all most everyone who knows you, including bro, dad and aunties and your other friends but no one tell me where you go and the best part is... The whole family knows where you went to except me. What is there to hide from me? To test me out? Fine. You didnt call home to check abt me. Then dont expect me to call you and tell you where am I. Is the same logic here.

Yea. I dont know whether am I losing you tomorrow anot. Just like you always tell me, "What if I die tomorrow? I bet you cant live without me." Yea. Probably I cant. I seriously cant. But what can I do? Live in regrets? Yea. I probably do. I will be depressed. I will be remorseful for life and most probably cant get over it. I will be like.. "Im sorry, mum. For all these times.. I wish I could spend more time with you. I wish I could. I seriously wish I could. But it is all over..." But if you're dead, can I revive you? I cant. Im not god. Im not. Im just your child, your daughter. You can scream what you want at me. Yea. To you, in your heart and what you have said to me all these times- Im a failure. Im a person who dream so much till you think Im giving myself pressure. Im your child who make you depressed cos I cant please you in anyway and what you want me to do. Like for example, to be an accountant. Im a beast. Im unfilial. Im useless. Im not as good as your son, my bro. Compare me some more. Im bloody used to it. Or do you want to compare your good friend's daughter with me? Yea. She's studying at ITE and something to do with accountant, right? Do you want her to be your god daughter? Sound awesome to me. I dont mind, if someone can please you and make you happy.

I seriously cant please you right now. I wish I could be successful right now. I wish I could be rich right now. I know money is not what I really want and I know you dont want me to be rich. I dont know why you dont want me to. But Im still going go for it. I dont need to live in luxury life but I want to. I want to be different. I want to travel around the world one day without thinking whether do I have money to spare. I want to donate money to the poors. I want to do alot of things. You cant stop me and I cant stop what you want to think abt me.

Im sorry, mum. Just leave me alone for now. I love you.

5 comments:

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